Name: Queues.
Age: As old as these fair isles themselves.
Appearance: As British as a bulldog eating cucumber sandwiches off a monocle.
I feel as if I’ve spent my entire life in a queue. You haven’t. You have, according to estimates, spent between one and six months in them.
Is that all? Because I’ve been to Alton Towers. It’s true, and it’s too long for some. A crack team of mathematicians have been figuring out how to reduce the time we spend queuing.
Oh, that’s easy – use the “baskets only” tills. Nope. Dan Meyer, chief academic officer of US mathematics organisation Desmos, has worked out that the fastest way to get through the supermarket queue is to stand behind someone with a full trolley.
That’s madness. Hasn’t this Meyer chap ever been to a Lidl? Your problem is that you’re assessing the queue by items, and not by people.
Huh? You know what eats up more time than anything else in a supermarket queue? Pleasantries. According to Meyer, 41 seconds of each transaction in California is spent chatting with the server. That’s 41 seconds you have to add to every person in front of you in the baskets-only line. This adds up.
I think I’ve spotted the flaw in your argument. You have?
This is based on a study carried out in California, where it’s sunny and people generally like each other. So you’re saying that in the UK, where it’s rainy and miserable and everyone clomps about quietly hating everything they see, the results will be different.
Exactly. Again, this Meyer chap really needs to get to a Lidl. Wait, though, we can still adapt these findings to British supermarkets.
We can? Sure. Instead of looking at trolleys or the number of people in front of you, just keep an eye open for the chatty checkout assistants and avoid them at all costs.
I get it. Same goes for shoppers. If anyone in front of you looks lonely, then they’ll probably gab on, too. Best avoid them as well.
So whenever you go shopping, you say we should specifically seek out the highest density of cold-hearted sociopaths? Exactly! Rule Britannia.
Do say: “Just scan my items and shut up.”
Don’t say: “Hello”, “Please” or “Thank you”.
