When you’re given joint billing with Michael Heseltine, you know you’ve finally made it to the status of grandee. Only a few months ago, an appearance before a Commons select committee for George Osborne would have meant a grilling on the Treasury’s performance; now the former chancellor gets to do a double act before the business committee in the parliamentary equivalent of Desert Island Discs.
“Tell me a little about your industrial strategy, George,” asked the committee chair, Iain Wright. George was all smiles; if he’s missing his place in the Conservatives’ starting XI, he’s concealing it well. “I think you’ll find that my northern powerhouse was the stuff of legend,” he said. “To say nothing of my Midlands engine. And for my first song I’d like I Just Don’t Know What to Do With Myself.
As Dusty Springfield’s voice faded out, Wright gently enquired why Theresa May was saying she needed a proper industrial strategy if George’s own industrial strategy had been so good. “Artistic differences,” he replied. “When a band splits up there’s always a falling out. But if you check out her setlist, you’ll see she’s basically playing all my greatest hits.” George’s next disc was The Song Remains the Same.
While George took centre stage, Lord Heseltine sat sphinx-like, looking neither to his left or right. Eventually the Man with the Mane was called up for his solo. What everyone needed to remember was that though Britain’s industrial strategy didn’t match up to the industrial strategy of some other countries he had played with over the years, it had never been better than under the stewardship of Osborne and David Cameron. “They were the best,” he said in a low, barely audible growl, as he patted George’s hair affectionately. “No, no,” George purred. “You’re the best.”
The records came and went – You Can’t Always Get What You Want and Everybody Hurts – but the inquisition never rose above the merely anodyne, despite, if you included Vince Cable, who had come on early as a warm-up act to say that May had never shown the slightest interest of even knowing the country had an industrial strategy when she was home secretary, dragging on for the best part of two and a half hours.
We learned that even if you didn’t have an industrial strategy you still had an industrial strategy – as your strategy was then not to have one. We learned it would be a good idea if the government made a decision on airport expansion as soon as possible. Though that might just have been an excuse for George to play Leaving on a Jet Plane.
The one thing we didn’t get to learn was why this committee hearing was taking place. Other than to let three former Westminster big beasts reprise some of their greatest hits. No one cared about the occasional wrong notes or that the voices could no longer hit the high notes; it was just enough for them all to be there. The closest we got to anything of more than archival interest was when they were asked for their thoughts on Britain remaining part of the single market after leaving the EU.
What did they make of the three ministers May had put in charge of Britain’s Brexit negotiations, asked the Conservative MP Richard Fuller. “They are a brilliant set of appointments,” said Heseltine, his voice laced with acid, “because they can come up with the answers that escape me.” George was slightly more diplomatic. Though not much. “The country didn’t vote to make itself poorer,” he said, checking his phone to see if the pound had lost yet another cent against the dollar in the past quarter of an hour. Not being chancellor had its upsides. “We can’t improve our trade with Australia at the expense of that with the EU.” After all, there’s only so much Foster’s anyone can drink.
The longer the session went on, the sleepier everyone became. A band reunion can go on for too long. Wright tried to wake people up by wondering why the north-east had been left out of the northern powerhouse, but George had that one covered. “Just today it’s been announced that Newcastle is to host the Great Exhibition of the North.” Great. The north-east is going to become a theme park.
“You get to take a copy of the Bible and David Laws’s Coalition: the Inside Story to your desert island,” said Wright. “What other book would you like to take?” Both chose May’s as-yet unwritten My Brexit Hell.
