Name: Bar staff.
Age: Sorry?
Age! Oh, you know, between about 18 and 25.
Appearance: Adherence to what?
I said, APPEARANCE! Oh, right. Sorry, it’s a bit loud in here. Well, it depends on the bar. Most bar staff dress in an internationally popular style called “cooler than you are”.
Yeah, I’ve always thought that’s odd. I mean, I’m splashing my cash on a night out, they’re earning minimum wage in a low-skilled job, yet I’m the one who feels uncool. Well, fear not. Your days of relative uncoolness may be numbered, my friend.
Have I won a trendy makeover? People often say I would look better if my entire body was obscured by hair and tattoos. I’m sure you would, but no. You’re finally going to feel cooler than some bar staff because some of them are going to be machines.
Eh? The “world’s first” self-service beer pump with contactless card payments began trials this week at Henry’s Cafe & Bar in Piccadilly, central London. It has been designed as an attention-seeking gimmick by Barclaycard, which says it might launch it at festivals and other places where there are often long queues at the bar.
So now we’re letting computers control our beer? That’s right.
Actually, that’s probably quite wise. How does this thing work? Well, you select a drink on the screen, pay with your card, then place your glass under the spout and watch it fill with ale.
What if I don’t want ale? Tough. Lager is too fizzy to dispense reliably. Everything else is complicated in other ways. You get ale.
Will it refuse to serve me if I’m already drunk, as required by law? Oh, um, yeah. I’m sure Barclaycard has installed a pop-up breathalyser or something.
OK. And how does the machine know I’m older than 18? Apart from my dress sense, I mean. Dunno. You have to be 18 to have some bank cards. Or maybe a bored human has to stand next to the pump watching people use it, like at the supermarket.
And will they be cooler than I am? Almost certainly.
Do say: “I have read this ale’s terms and conditions. Cancel/Agree.”
Don’t say: “Are you barred? Yes/No.”
