Name: Cheesy churros.

Age: Embryonic.

Appearance: Deep-fried diplomatic incident.

I don’t understand. Is it a foodstuff or a provocation? Both. Some have even described it as “terrorism”.

Let me put it this way: can I eat it? You can if you want to insult all of Spain.

I may want to later, after a few drinks. Why would they be upset? Because the churro – a sort of long, striated doughnut, traditionally dipped in hot chocolate and eaten at breakfast – is a cherished part of Spanish (and Portuguese) cuisine.

Sounds good. I’ll take half a dozen. Whereas the cheesy churro is an inauthentic abomination.

Where does it come from? Morrisons. It’s part of the supermarket’s Christmas range.

And it has cheese inside it? Yes. They also come with a red pepper and tomato dipping sauce and are sprinkled with “a medium-fat hard cheese”.

That does constitute a bit of a departure from tradition. Also, they are made out of mashed potato instead of batter.

So, really, the only mistake was calling them churros. And what a mistake it was. The Spanish do not like foreigners messing with their gastronomic heritage.

Oh yeah? What are they going to do about it? Complain on social media. “This red pepper and tomato dip is pure sacrilege,” said a translator, Arantza Elosua. “Keep Gibraltar but don’t do this please,” tweeted another concerned citizen, David Irritans.

Let’s try to stay calm. It’s too late for that – memes of Spanish troops preparing for war have been posted.

This all seems very dramatic. The Spanish really do care about this sort of thing, though. Jamie Oliver was once castigated for a paella recipe that included chorizo.

I suppose with tensions running so high over Gibraltar and Brexit, we can expect a backlash. It has already begun. “Spain has a culinary tradition apparently!” said one British Twitter user. “From my experiences there they drag anything and everything out of the sea, smother it in oil and eat it at midnight.”

How does Morrisons justify the culinary crime scene it has created? “Our customers appreciate it when we do a twist on a popular classic,” a spokesman said.

I can see that the cheesy churro is wrong on many levels, but I still sort of want to try one. Sorry, they are not available until later this month.

Do say: “Los churros con queso son una monstruosidad inaceptable.”

Don’t say: “These would be even better with some chorizo in them.”