Name: Greggs.
Age: 81.
Appearance: Wildly successful with almost everyone.
Please don’t let this be about Piers Morgan. It isn’t about him.
He doesn’t really hate vegan sausage rolls. He is just manufacturing outrage for a temporary profile boost. This isn’t about Piers Morgan.
So, hang on, there are people other than Piers Morgan who hate Greggs? Unbelievably, yes. Despite the fact that Greggs has almost reached national treasure status for its wonderful and affordable array of truly delicious pastries, an entire county has taken against it.
Which county? Cornwall.
Really? Unfortunately, yes. Greggs has no presence whatsoever in Cornwall.
Has that always been the case? No. In 2018, Greggs opened a branch in Saltash service station, but a “backlash” from residents has reportedly led to it being permanently closed.
Why were they furious? Because it’s Cornwall. Cornwall is famous for its pasties. Letting some bigshot Johnny-come-lately pasty-slinger into Pasty Central was asking for trouble. Or, as one Cornish resident wrote on Facebook: “We don’t want that slapped-up junk down here anyway.”
Cornish people like Cornish pasties. That’s right. One independent baker told the Sun that even his attempts at diversification had ended in failure: “We tried different flavours, like chilli and things like that, but people just want traditional pasties.”
What are the elements of a traditional Cornish pasty? Beef skirt, swede, potato and onion.
I see. So what is in a Greggs sausage and bean melt? Sausages, beans and cheese.
That sounds nicer, to be honest. You’re wrong. Cornish pasties are the best food ever invented. They are an entire meal in a pastry case.
So is a Greggs sausage and bean melt. Yes, but the pasty is an integral part of Cornish lore. It’s part of the fabric. You can’t let a mass-produced sausage and bean melt trample over a tradition as long and proud as that of pasties.
What is all the fuss about? Greggs wasn’t competing with local artisanal pasty-makers. It was in a service station, for God’s sake. And removing it was just the first step. Next, we will get rid of Burger King and replace it with a Cornish pasty shop.
Don’t you dare. Then we will ditch Sainsbury’s On the Go and build a temple of pasties in its place. Pasties as far as the eye can see!
You have gone crazy with power. And then we will replace the petrol pumps with pasties! If your car doesn’t run on pasties, then it shouldn’t be on the road! Pasties for ever! Pasties!
Do say: “Cornwall no longer has a Greggs presence.”
Don’t say: “Let’s move to Devon.”
