Before we go to the Business Connect conference in Warwickshire, a quick “previously in Tory endgame”: Rishi Sunak was under pressure, as even Conservative MPs who thought that however bad he was, changing leaders would be worse, were starting to revise their view. Penny Mordaunt’s name had been floated, but she was commonly thought of as the stalking horse candidate, for the more plausible Kemi Badenoch (at this point, you just have to imagine inverted commas round all the adjectives, a kind of “who-are-these-people?” confetti). Rishi had threatened a general election if people didn’t stop challenging his leadership. Kemi had told everyone not to be silly.

And then the pair arrived before the burghers of Coventry and Warwickshire, to tell them how great the Conservatives were going to be for small businesses. Sunak had three main announcements: cutting taxes, cutting red tape and creating 20,000 apprenticeships. It was pretty dry fare.

He didn’t even get a laugh when, talking about his determination to get rid of national insurance contributions, he said: “We’ll make more progress towards abolition in the next parliament.” Seriously? You seriously think you’ll be in parliament, rather than, say, California?

He talked about the 2,000 EU regulations that have already been scrapped, the 500 more to go. He talked about the VAT threshold going up to £90,000. He talked about the absolute scandal that only 2% of equity investment goes to female founders. “I have two young girls,” he said, “and as a dad first and foremost, I want to make sure my girls grow up in a society where there isn’t a limit to their aspirations. Making sure that they have access to the finance they need is really important.” Right, so we definitely need a taskforce. No way could they ask their parents or, for that matter, their legit billionaire grandparents.

Badenoch, afterwards, made the peculiar decision to repeat everything he’d just said, adding some truly minor tweaks to the machine, a new government advice body, to make sure everyone can use cutting-edge digital technology.

She’s much more interesting when she goes off script, the business secretary. Describing in general terms (as Sunak did) the crises of this decade, she said: “What is actually phenomenal is that our businesses are still here.”

Now she mentions it, it is quite surprising, but not because of Covid or Ukraine. How is anyone planning for the future in this permanent chaos? Then, off the cuff: “We all think of apprentices as being 19-year-olds who’ve never done a day’s work in their lives,” she said. Do we, though? Because that sounds like we think they’re lazy gits, whereas I think of them more as people who haven’t worked because they were busy at school and, before that, being babies. When I say “interesting”, of course I mean “scary”.

Nobody wants to bandy around words like “North” and “Korea”, but my God, the fawning. First, to Sunak: “Your announcement is fantastic,” said Julie White of the construction industry. A bit more of a comment than a question, but hear her out. “But we seem to have devalued apprenticeships in the UK, because the only way into a fantastic job is through university.” “Perfect,” Sunak replied, presumably by accident.

Indeed it was. A stage-managed praise-filled non-question, perfectly delivered. Then came George Paul, cheesemonger, who turns more than £10m a year in exports. “What advice would you give, for budding entrepreneurs, in our trade and all the rest of the British industries, to take that leap, to look for success?” Agog, we were. I like success as much as the next man. Can the prime minister help me look for it? “Start from a position of confidence in what you do,” he said. “The world wants to buy British. We stand for quality, we stand for best in class, we stand for innovation.” You’re already British, folks; now all you have to do is believe. Maybe close your eyes. If you have some red heels you could click, that might help.

As hard as it to believe, Badenoch’s set piece was more sycophantic. She invited two entrepreneurs on to the stage, Thomas Hal Robson-Kanu who’s brought the turmeric shot to market, and Libby Hart, who makes women’s workwear, and asked them for their priority ask of government.

Hart said two things: help British manufacturers find the skills (with apprentices) and invest in women. In other words, it would be beyond awesome if someone announced those two things you’ve just announced. Robson-Kanu went one better: “Really making the opportunities available, visible. By hosting days like today.” My businessman’s dream is if someone would put on an event like this one we’re currently sitting in.

Journalists afterwards gave both a much tougher time, quizzing Sunak on his ungovernable party and Badenoch on Frank Hester, the racist stain that won’t go away. Their answers were variations on a theme; this is just Westminster nonsense, they’re interested in the real things that real people care about.

Real things like whether the daughters of prime ministers will have access to venture capital, or be cruelly locked out by the scourge of sexism; like whether British businesses believe in their Britishness hard enough; like temporary tariff suspensions on 120 imports. Sunak and Badenoch put on a front in which not only were they united, but they’d found the last 15 people in the country who couldn’t agree more.